Don't Think Too Hard, Warren

Picture Alan Shearer on MOTD. Now, give him a cheaper spray-tan (don’t be stingy, really layer it on). Make his comments even less insightful. Add in a semi-permanent expression of fecklessness and sit him next to a dim-witted, but always-jovial 100% Real Ameri-corn. Finally, add some hair, lather it up with peroxide and what you will have is Warren Barton, former Newcastle United defender and current Fox Soccer anchor.

This is the reality every football supporter in the USA has to wake up to and face every weekend. Disturbing, isn’t it? No wonder the sport still sits in the shadows of the monolith that is American Football.

Don’t think too hard, Warren.

Despite this, I am still grateful that Fox Soccer is a real thing. And more thankful that Barton’s half-time banalities are taken up with as much advertising as the programmers can shove in – often times cutting off the last few seconds of one ad so another can interrupt it.

As a side-note, this also may go someway as to answer why the Beautiful Game isn’t a bigger sport over here – I vaguely remember in the ’94 World Cup the USA, laughably, wanted to split games into quarters, so they could squeeze more advertising revenue out of the event. Thankfully Sepptic Bladder wasn’t head of FIFA, otherwise they probably would’ve managed it with the right sized “donation”.

Anyway, having said that, the sport is growing in the Land of the Yank, I just wish they had a bit more variety in their scheduling. Currently they only show games played by the “Top 4” – drop out of that spot and you’ll find it increasingly hard to get a game in.

Another promising sign of the growing American hunger for football was revealed for the Chelsea vs. Man. Utd. game, which they showed on Fox’s flagship channel (the equivalent of our Sky1) before they aired the Super Bowl, promoting it in the typically restrained manner American’s are known for as “The Biggest Sporting Event in The World”.

Take that London 2012.

More channels are definitely needed though, if they’re serious about building the game on this side of the pond. For example, once again highlighting their perverse dedication to the top 4, they didn’t even show our recent hard-fought Premier League match-up against Arsenal (who were at the time fifth).

Surprising really, seeing that we’re due to face them again in the next round of the FA Cup the week after, so you’d think they’d jump on that to create some sort of drama around it, thus boosting interest and ratings. But no. They went for the Everton game instead.

This may have something to do with Arsenal’s recent drop in form (despite the fact that they gave Blackburn a 7-1 drubbing and are now 4th again thanks to Chelsea’s similarly tepid displays). Although sometimes I suspect that, much like with MOTD, the gimpish Magpie resents having to pay any sort of compliment to a team who are currently performing better than his beloved Sports Direct United and pushes the producers to show other games, instead.

As I’ve said, I do believe that they would benefit greatly from having more variety. Especially seeing that there are well over twenty channels showing the best of North America’s physical activities at any one time – and let’s be honest it would add a certain zest of excitement to their current intake, seeing that American football is dull as ditchwater, Baseball is slower than time itself and basketball is just a less-girly version of netball.

How I have to watch the Sunderland games.

I’ve lost count of the amount of hours I’ve spent searching Google for a pirate-website streaming a Sunderland game live from someone’s mobile phone. It’s a constant frustration, but something any hard-loving fan would happily do, should they have to.

However, having said all that, I am thankful that I can at least watch a handful of matches. It certainly helps keep home-sickness at bay and, what’s even better, because of the time difference kick-off starts early in the morning, meaning I don’t even have to change out of my pyjamas to cheer on the lads.

Lovely.